Year One.

To my one year old Goose,

There is so much I want you to know about how I feel about you and today seems like the day to write it. I want you to know that I can feel my heart expand when you smile at me. I want you to know that I love that you are such a momma's boy. I want you to know that I sang you Mariah Carey's "Always be my baby" relentlessly on your first birthday. I want you to know that you have literally brought sunshine into our house. That your sister adores you. That you are a heart throb. That you are all boy. You love to climb and get dirty. Starting 7 am you are groaning at me and pointing at the door to go outside. When you are outside it is the only time you don't cry for me if you don't see me. This makes making dinner really easy. You hate having your diaper changed and have perfected the alligator roll which makes changing you impossible....and messy. You are a biter but at heart a lover. You pull hair with the strength of a thousand men and I have literally seen clumps of your sister's hair in your hands. You will sit contently in your stroller for hours but cannot stand to be in a shopping cart. You are sometimes a really good eater but as of late just a really good food thrower. You say Dada and dog. You tell Ralphie to shush when he is being too loud. You are the king of raspberries and well timed tootie noises. You wave and blow kisses by puckering your lips. You are very stingy with this but the other day at Ikea were throwing all sorts of smooches to a strange man driving away in a pickup truck. You are 70% of the time a solid sleeper. One ounce of illness and it all goes out the window and oh boy you have had more than your share of illness this year. You have kept me awake in the middle of the night more hours than should be legal in the year but I am still alive. You are the little boy of my dreams who I never knew I needed but cannot live without. I want to teach you to cook, to clean, to be a great and supportive partner but in truth you are mostly teaching me. Teaching me patience, how to love unconditionally, how to truly forgive, how to embrace the moment, and how to smile more. Your first year of life has been a year of reflection for me and I thank you for that. I can still feel how I felt when I held you for the first time but I cannot believe that I feel that same feeling now a million times over. You are a year old and I am already worried about the day you leave me. Girls somehow stay with their moms but it seems boys cut the cord a little more strongly and I fear that day. I love you to levels I didn't know I was capable of. I adore you, my son.

Something is sneaking into our house tonight while we are fast asleep and the hands of the clock meet in unison at 12. I'm not sure how it will get into the house past alarm, dog and protective parents but I know it will find a way. As much as I dread it and wish to fight it, it will inevitably win. It is a force stronger than me and designed by our creator. It is time and tonight it will change my 11 month old baby into a bonafide one year old.

On My Mind: Thoughts on a Beach in Cancun

​This blog has been quiet. Eerily quiet. I started it to record memories that I knew would fade with time as I know myself and the lack of long term memory I have been given. I have tried several times within the last few months to sit and write but I could never truly put into words exactly how I was feeling. I was depressed and sometimes the words sounded more encouraging than I could bear to swallow. I was constantly reminded of how insanely blessed I am and the words would feel too self defeating to publish. The truth of the matter is that since I have decided to stay home, my expectations have not met the reality of what I have experienced.

​I thought I was leaving my job to become the most wonderful mother there ever was. I truly believed I would finally be able to get my children on some kind of schedule that would allow time for educational moments, home tending and ample play time. I blindly forgot that I would need to allow time for tantrums (and oh the tantrums of a three year old) and illness. Within the first month of staying home my son developed his first of three double ear infections that would occur over a three week period, ultimately resulting in surgery involving adenoid removal and tube insertion. For a 10 month old baby! He changed from an easy to please child to needing me more than I thought I had time to give. I had forgotten the lesson I had learned from Rivers is that there is no constant with children. They will continuously change their personalities, sleep and eating habits and leave you guessing incessantly.

​And Rivers, bless her little soul but she was just not ready to fully commit to potty training. She was wearing underwear and performing all pees wonderfully but the other situation was a battle and per my pediatricians recommendation we let her use pull ups during those moments she needed it. She was to continue in the 2 year old class at pre-school for the entire year because of how her birthday falls and so she was in a class with many kids almost a year younger than her and all of her friends had moved up. She regressed emotionally. She threw tantrums of the non-speaking baby kind that made me nostalgic for the tantrums of a three year old who sometimes just simply says "No" to get you all worked up. We tried to move her up in class but they were reluctant because although she had started saving her daily constitutional for evenings, she had a one day accident when she was recovering from the flu. I fought them. Dave helped me fight them and our pediatrician urged us to fight them. We changed her from full day to half day and they agreed to let her move up. Two weeks later she was fully potty trained. Not even needing a night time pull up. But in all this time while I knew it was the right thing for my daughter to move classes I didn't fully trust myself that I was making the right decision. This parenting thing is so hard.

​My anxiety had hit an all time high and I just didn't want to continue to live each day feeling as I did. I knew how blessed I was and this created guilt for feeling the way I did which in turn produced more anxiety and I truly became a beast I did not recognize. I went to a psychiatrist who I had visited a few times before but this time when he prescribed me something, I cried and knew I would take it. I cannot explain to you my reluctance when I come from a family where my Dad would have benefitted amazingly from some medication had we been aware earlier. He would probably still be here. I think it is the mom thing. The pressure to do it all with a smile on your face. And I wasn't even doing half of what I needed to do and I definitely wasn't smiling about it. Not even two days after I started my medication I noticed a more patient version of myself appearing. The literal weight I had been feeling in my chest for weeks lightened and eventually is disappeared altogether. Rivers started to want me to put her to bed again. Gus still wanted me as usual but I was rushing to his side more quickly when he started crying rather than waiting to see if he would comfort himself. Dear God, I love these babies. I love them so much and I don't want their childhood to be marred by my shortcomings but alas I know it will in some way. And that's ok. That will give them their quirks. It may give them their compassion. It may give them a bit of fire beneath their bum to be motivated to do more. But I pray constantly it does not give them more pressure. I don't want to pressure them to be any more than that beautiful and unique creatures they were born to be. There is no perfect, but my children, they are my perfect.

PSA: Joe Fresh at JC Penney

I get really really excited when I stumble across a brand of kids' clothing that I haven't heard of....I get even more excited when that brand is SUPER reasonably priced. I have always occassionally perused the JC Penney website because they sell Carter's stuff at cheaper prices and I have had some good luck. I thought to check it out the other day and was so happy as soon as I stumbled across Joe Fresh. Am I late to knowing about this? Forgive me if I am, but oh my.....these clothes are cute and most of them were on sale for between $4.99 - $13.99, plus a 15% off sitewide coupon and free shipping over $99 (I often just order $99 worth of goods for free shipping and then return what I don't want to the mall). I went ahead and ordered quite a few items and waited patiently for them to arrive at my house, unsure as to what the quality would be. They showed up yesterday and I am so impressed! The fabrics are so nice and while I haven't washed them yet they are definitely of better quality than what I buy at Target. Some of the things have sold out since I ordered a week ago but most are still there and still on sale! Go check it out! When I find something I get so excited about, I want to share it with everyone!

FOR YOUR LITTLE GENT

FOR YOUR LITTLE LADY

Month 6

   My little cowboy. 6 months. 6 long and short months. When I first laid eyes on you on that warm February day, I thought my heart could never feel fuller. But in 6 months it has only grown and expanded to levels I never knew possible. You are a bright and reliable light in our lives. You love freely and fully and forgive just the same. You are patient and easygoing. You are strong. You are funny. You are the little boy of my dreams.

Stats:

19 lbs (80%) 29.5" (off charts)

You are a rolling machine.

You are also a planking machine.

You will be crawling in no time.

You still love your jumper but only if everyone is in your line of vision. I have snuck out of the room to get ready too many times and you are on to me.

You have survived the torture of crying it out. I honestly got to the point where my brain was telling me I was going to die from lack of sleep. I have never experienced this level of exhaustion. You cried 30 min for the first nap, 35 for the afternoon and 35 for the night. That was 3 days ago and since then I haven't heard you at all! That might have more to do with me turning the volume off on the monitor but hooray! I am finally getting some quality sleep and you still love me.

Twice this month you have fussed when I tried to rock you to sleep and out of options I laid you down in your crib only for you to quietly fall asleep on your own. 

You are really attached to momma and my right arm is getting really buff toting you around.

You have had carrots, apples and peas. You are getting better about swallowing but so far aren't crazy about any of it.

After various tests with the allergist it has been determined that you have no food allergies but are intolerant to dairy, soy, mold, pollen, cats and dogs. So relieved you will grow out of your dairy and soy sensitivity.

You find potty training hilarious and laugh hysterically when your sister is in tears. Thanks for the levity you bring to those situations.

Just in the last few days you have gotten much better at sitting up on your own.

We just adore you, Buddy Gus!

Sewing Sewing Sewing

The hum of my sewing machine has been the dominant noise in our house the last month. Something, or maybe a little someone, has inspired me and even though I am exhausted when I finish one project, I have been starting a new one immediately. I'm not much for summer so I think I lost inspiration when it came to dressing Rivers this season. Most of her clothes were from Target, not a bad thing, but I think I purchased most of them with the mindframe that she can wear them to preschool and I will not be devastated if they are ruined. But fall is around the corner and I am envisioning her in sweaters and knee socks, boots and full skirts and most of all pinafores. I am on a total pinafore kick. I have been working on some new designs and trying to fine tune them and make them as neatly as possible because I have been thinking of selling them. Here's a little lineup of everything I have made in the last few weeks.

I finally finished the beast that was Buddy's quilt. It is imperfect to the 10th degree but it is done and he will have to live with it. 

Already making himself real comfortable.

I couldn't sleep one night because I wanted to make this so bad. The next day I asked Dave if I could have a quiet sewing day and he took the kids to his parents' house for a few hours. What a sweetheart.

Pinafore, Pinafore, Pinafore!

MORE PINAFORES!!!!

This is Butterick 5877 and it was so much fun to sew. So much fun that right after I made it, I made another. And then another. And I will probably make some more.

The sequin bow was a happy accident. I could not get the top buttonhole to go in properly and I needed something to cover the big mess. I sewed this black and red sequin bow on and then used a hook and eye enclosure and presto! All better.

Here is the second version.

And the third which little miss wore on her first day of year 2 of preschool.

I bought this pattern on Etsy and I cannot wait to make every single version. I love sewing vintage patterns so much. So simple and I love to imagine who else has used the pattern before me.

And would you believe I actually ripped the seams out on my tragedy striped dress? I broke a needle on my serger so I can't fix it quite yet but I took the first step.

Quilting and Sewing

I've become really obsessed with quilts. I spend more time than I care to admit looking at them on Pinterest before I go to sleep. When I lay down it is like a kaleidoscope as patterns and colors flash in my head rendering beautiful hypnogogic hallucinations. I have a hard time falling asleep because I am literally too excited about all the amazing possibilities of quilting. I started liking them in 8th grade home-ec where we learned to sew pinwheels and I made my mother a "surprise" blanket at home. How surprise could it really be when I am sewing on her machine and consistently asking for help? She might have even had to sew the backing on to her own surprise quilt, of this I can't be certain. Those silly pinwheels, they stuck with me and after I had Rivers I was inspired by them again. I made this travesty of a quilt which caused me to stop thinking about quilting for a good long while. I still like the colors but I sewed it quickly and carelessly and some of the seams are starting to slowly spread further and further apart. Then Gus came along and the little feller couldn't be left out and sew (Freudian slip here, for reals) I knew I had to suck it up and make another.

I had made all of Gus' bedding and changing pads for his room so I had a lot of coordinating scraps. The crib bumper got put on the back burner because I knew I wouldn't be using it for several months. He recently started getting his foot stuck through the slats and while I tried to use one of the mesh breathable bumpers, I got sick of the sight and he started rolling well so I knew it was time to make the bumpers. At this time I had already started on his quilt and I needed to know how much of the fabric would be left over from the bumpers to use in the quilt so I had to finish project B (bumpers) before I could continue on project A (quilt) which I was more excited about.

I needed 14 yards of piping. That means 14 yards of bias tape. That means, bleh. I really dislike sewing bias tape and it always looks terrible when I'm done. So 14 yards of the junk sounded terrible. I stumbled across this continuous bias tape tutorial and I am a changed woman. It required two seams and some cutting along some lines and within 20 minutes I had 16 yards of bias tape. Perfectly spaced, beautifully diagonally sewn, seams matching up bias tape. One of my favorite sewing tricks to date.

The bumpers came together pretty quickly and I am glad to say they are done. Very glad. I have so much leftover fabric from them that I can't wait to add to Gus' quilt.

Safe, yes. Pretty? No.

The pattern I settled on for the quilt is driving me bonkers so at this rate it may be done in time for Gus to take it to college. Last night I pulled two blocks out because some of the HST's had been sewn in the wrong direction. I fixed them this morning and when I laid them back down I saw two more that were wrong! Someone is messing with me while I sleep. I think I have them all fixed but I keep trying to stare at them cross-eyed hoping any mistakes will be more visible. If I sew the darn thing together and later find a mistake....oh it won't be pretty.

Are you staring at it cross-eyed now?