Starting a New Job

I'm starting a new job sometime in August! After several months of feeling overwhelmed and disorganized and lots of prayer, I have decided to pursue a new job!

This job will be difficult. It will require endless daytime and nighttime hours and even overtime on weekends. Many things will be asked of me and I will have to continually learn new things everyday. Some days I'll get to do medicinal work, sometimes I will be a chef.  I will have to do maintenance and cleaning. I've been told that I am expected to teach. I will have to account for finances and work within a budget. I will have to oversee the whole operation.

This job will be the best. There is time set aside during the day for naps and playing. Imagination is encouraged and creativity shall know no boundaries. In this job I am encouraged to seek inspiration from outside sources. I can do this job in the home or away from the home, maybe even at a park. Exercising during work hours is encouraged. Casual attire is welcomed. I will get rewarded daily with smiles and hugs. I will get to make my own schedule.

But the main reason this job is the best, is that I will get to be with my children everyday that I work. I have decided to quit my current job and my new job is a full-time stay at home momma. I truly had the best part-time job working for my father-in-law but after having Gus my days in the office went from 3 to 2 and most weeks I couldn't even manage that. I constantly felt like I was missing things at work and this created stress. I felt guilty that my co-workers were having to pick up my slack. And at the same time I felt disorganized at home. I felt as though I couldn't devote my full attention to our household and our children. I was lacking balance and something had to give. I am filled with joy that Dave has blessed me with the honor of staying home with our children. I am nervous that this is the most intense position I will ever be given and the childhood of my children will be directly affected by how well I perform. I will turn to God and pray for grace. I will admit my faults and ask for forgiveness. I will cry, I will rejoice. I will be strong and stand firm in my beliefs and reasoning. I will not be perfect. I will try my best. This is the career I've chosen and I really want to knock this one out of the park.

Boyfriend in a Box

I wasn't prepared for the feelings of nostalgia that having my own children would create. Watching Rivers, I feel closer to my childhood than I have in years. It's like memories and feelings from my youth are stored in little glass jars and every now and then the lid gets popped off one and the vapor of the memory drifts across my nose and drags my senses back to the early 90's. Some of these memories make me cringe. They aren't negative or sad, they are....well they are nerdy. They are embarrassingly nerdy. I feel a lot of endearment towards the nerdy little girl that I was and at the same time I am still slightly embarrassed by her and the things she did.

Tonight, I am going back to 12 years old. It was the last week of summer before school was to start and like every year, my mother, aunt and family friend had loaded up the cars with children and taken us to Pismo Beach for the week. The trip always looked very similar. Days at the beach, afternoons at the pool, dinners at McClintocks and Brad's and at least once a trip to the Pismo Beach Outlets. My cousin Katharine and our friend Angie, all of us the same age, were always the most interested in the Claire's store that resided in the corner. I can't recall if it was a Claire's outlet but it was always so disorganized and contained the most random assortment of goods that I am going to assume it was. It was like searching for treasure. It was better than sticking your hand in the leather saddlebag at McClintocks and wondering what you would pull out. On this fateful day, my on the cusp of teenage-hood self, found something that I should have not even looked twice at. I should have walked right past it. Ok, maybe I could have looked at it and laughed and then set it back thinking - who would be such a fool to buy that? But it didn't happen like that. Instead, I picked it up and was immediately enamored. What could it have been you ask? Well, a little internet research and presto I present to you Boyfriend in A Box. Even without the picture of the back of the box listing the other "irresistible teens" to choose from, I could have told you I picked Skater Skye. I still remember his name. I also remember that his mother's occupation was a tattoo artist. I remember being teased by my cousin and friend for purchasing this, but it didn't matter to me. I also remember carrying the wallet sized-photo of "Skye" around in my quicksilver wallet for well over a year. I vaguely recall pulling it out a time or two and saying it was a picture of a guy I had met at Pismo that summer before but I can't be certain. Can we just take a minute or two to talk about a few things here?

1.) On the front this clearly states this is: The Teen Edition. Was there an adult version? A child version? A baby version?
2.) There was an Owner's Manual included. I desperately wish I could recall what that entailed. Directions on how to lie to your friends? Best ways to stage a breakup so you can attract a real boyfriend in real life?
3.) Warranty. I don't even know what to say about this. Could I return it if my friends called my bluff? What if the picture of him ripped from me carrying it around too much - would they send me a new one?

I find comfort in the fact that this product was created at all. Comfort in knowing I was probably not the only prepubescent girl to be enamored with the do-it-yourself boyfriend kit. If there was me, there was likely someone else. Unless this particular Claire's really was an outlet full of discarded and never purchased items, and in that case I really am alone. Alone on my embarrassing Boyfriend in A Box island.

The Best Little Big Sister I Know

Dear Rivers, 

While I doubt this will be a memory that fades, I felt the need to put this into words just in case. I want to make sure it is forever remembered what an incredible sister you have been from the beginning. I am truly in awe of the loving heart you have for your brother and how you have so unabashedly accepted him and made room for him in your life. You constantly amaze me and make me want to better myself. I watch you and pray that I can love as fiercely and freely as you do so naturally.

You have always been the most concerned of any of us when Gus cries. You are the first to rush to his side and as more time passes you feel confident than you can comfort him without assistance from anyone else. You often tell me "Mommy, I got him" and you do. You are there before I can get there and your two little hands are on either side of his face, stroking him and telling him "It's alright, Gussy. It's ok, big boy." You are naturally nurturing in a way I could only hope to be.

You are quickly becoming, Gussy's favorite. I can't blame the fellow, you are hilarious but it is more than that. I can tell he truly trusts you. Even when he was a newborn and you would ask to hold him, I would watch and see him visibly relax in your arms. It is that way to date. He is perfectly content as long as you are in the room with him.

Everything we do, you want to make sure Gus is included in. When I tell you that we are going to the grocery store you ask "Can Gussy come?" I know you may not want your little brother to tag along to everything in your life but I can already tell you will always make room for him.

I pick you up from school and the whole car ride home you are talking to him and telling him how you missed him. "Gus, I missed you, buddy!" Even when we finally make it home you continue to tell me how much you missed your Gus and how much you love him.

Everyday, I am reassured that we did the right thing by adding to our family and giving you a sibling. I always knew I wanted him but I did not know how you would feel about it and you have quickly dispelled any worries I had. You are truly the most loving big sister I have ever seen and your empathy and heart measure well beyond your two and a half years of age. It makes me want to give you lots and lots of siblings but for now I'll let you enjoy just the one.

Month Four

I'm definitely a little late in posting this but I wanted to get it down before you turned five months and the two started to blur together. I cannot believe you are four months old already. I cannot believe how much you have grown and changed before my very eyes. I look at pictures of you as a newborn and it feels so long ago and so foreign. I was so distraught by your digestive issues that I wasn't really paying attention to YOU and the beautiful creature you are. I am sorry for that. It is something I will never be able to change but I can tell you now I wake up everyday in awe of you and the beautiful and patient child you are. You may be one addition to our family but you have blessed our lives an immeasurable amount.

16 lbs 5 oz 27.25"

You love to hold hands, especially when you are drinking your bottle. You fidget and squirm until you get someone's hand and then you sit still and quietly drink.

You eat, play, sleep in 3 hr rounds. Isn't that the Babywise method? You seemed to have put yourself on this rhythm with no help from me.

We have been adding rice cereal to bottle per the pediatrician's recommendation to help you sleep longer. I am constantly doing things I said I would never do as a mother, like introducing solids before 6 months and putting cereal in a bottle. But boy, I'm getting desperate for more sleep and the formula you are on is made of nothing so you get hungry all the time.

It has been decided that you probably have more allergies. More digestive, skin and respiratory. We will be seeing an allergist at the end of July for testing. 

As always, smiling nonstop. You are the smiliest thing I have ever seen.

You are already getting hard to rock to sleep. You squirm and rub your face and can't seem to settle and maul the face of whoever is holding you.

Your bib, hands or pacifier are in your mouth at all times. You are a slobbery mess

You watch mommy's every move and start crying when I leave the room.

You are watching sister and find her hilarious.

You giggle occassionally and it is the best thing ever 

You are wearing 9 month pjs because you are so long. 

Your hair is growing like weeds

You are growing like a weed

You are a great traveller

You are becoming a hip rider but your head is still too heavy for you sometimes

You love your bumbo and swing the most 

You actually like Sophie the Giraffe

We cannot wait to watch you continue to grow and look forward to the continued joy you have added to our lives. We love you Gussy!

Praying.

I'm a little overly sentimental tonight as I'm riding a mild wave of anxiousness over a little surgery I have to have tomorrow. It's silly but I haven't had surgery since I had my tonsils removed at age 5. Perhaps a lot of my anxiousness surrounds the fact that the need for this is completely ridiculous. I am risking this overshare because I want to maybe save others from going through this. See, I got an IUD after Gus. I also had one after Rivers and it worked so great I was happy to get it again. This time it was different from the second I got it. It caused me a lot of pain and cramping. I went for my one month check up and informed my doctor of what I had been experiencing. She decided to do an ultrasound to make sure it was in the correct position. It was not. In fact the ultrasound did not show it at all so I had to have a cat scan to find it and find it they did...in my pelvis. So now I have to have surgery tomorrow to remove it. It's not that big of a deal but it is frustrating. I found myself tonight looking at pictures of my little family and praying to God that I will make it through without any complications. These sweet faces and my faith will get me through this.

Father's Day

I love this picture of me and my Dad. My brother and I had both come home for the weekend for our mom's birthday and we were naive to the fact that this would be the last time we were ever together as a complete family. We went hiking up in the canyon and although my Dad was already in the depths of his despair he really tried to put on a happy face for my mom. I had found a swinging rope and wanted to swing out over the water but my Dad urged me to wait while he made a harness out of the dogs' leashes in case the rope were to give way and cause me to fall into the current. His love was always like that. Encouraging me to swing out over big waters while knowing he was always there supporting me. His love is still like that. I bought Dave the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You" and the illustration for the last page is eerily similar to this image. The accompanying words are too perfect.

"You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know your love will find me wherever I am.

Pretty Little Liars

This guy has got it bad for Lucy Hale. Big smiles everytime she comes on screen.