It sounded like a great idea at the time. Eight days of vacation with my main squeeze and no baby Rivers in sight. I knew I would miss her but I was so blinded with missing him. Becoming parents so quickly into our marriage left little time for carefree adventures. Both our marriage and child were in a stage of infancy and we were forced to grow up quickly and therefore a little wrecklessly. It could have been more civilized or smoother sailing but we did it and we did it ok. But I craved him and I missed my old self. I wanted so desperately to be able to give him my full attention without any of the stresses that Mother Megan operated within everyday. I knew that ultimately it would be the right thing for us and so on a wild Thursday night we sat at the computer and booked it. We would be leaving in a little over two weeks. I had instant mother remorse but I pressed on knowing, or perhaps believing, that we would all be better for it.
The first day of our trip, I was giddy. I felt light and carefree. My heart was bursting with love for my man and I quickly fell back into the girl I was when we were dating. I wanted to hold his hand more, snuggle in; I found his jokes genuinely funnier. The flight was easy and pleasurable. We sat in front of a husband and wife juggling a toddler and Dave and I winked with relief that this time, it was not us. We made it to our hotel, checked in and within 10 minutes were out on the street exploring Seattle. We were suprised to find how quickly and effortlessly we could be tourists without a baby in tow. Between the hours of 1 pm and 10 pm we hit Pike's Market, lunch at Pike's Brewing Company, walked to the Space Needle, went up, stopped by the Rock and Roll Museum, went on a Duck Tour, cabbed to the Mariners game and walked home. By the end of the night we both said that was probably enough of a vacation for us, but we looked forward to the week long cruise to Alaska commencing the following day.
The cruise was truly lovely and perhaps our favorite part of the vacation was our fellow travelers. Everyone was friendly and we quickly made new friends. I soon realized that I managed to bring Rivers up in nearly every conversation with a stranger and often at awkward times. I wanted everyone to know that I was a mother. It wasn't until this point in my life that I realized that is one of the foremost things identifying me.
On Mother's Day we were watching a Lumberjack Show and they asked everyone in the audience who was a mother to stand. Later that night Dave and I discussed how odd it was for both of us that I stood. I felt a little bit like a fraud but by the books definition, I am a mother. I have given birth and cared for a baby. A little baby who knows nothing of my former self but only knows me as mother. A little baby whose eyes reflect exactly what she thinks of me and make me feel humble and grateful to the bottom of my soul. This little being has forever changed me and before this trip I sometimes mourned my former self. These past eight days have changed that permanently. My number one favorite thing about myself is that I am a mother to Rivers Simone Bynum. I feel an overwhelming amount of gratitude that God blessed me with this funny little creature to care for.
When travelling with Rivers I recall envying the couples vacationing without children. It looked so carefree and easy and I longed for that with my husband. On this past trip, I found myself zoning in on every child on the ship and feeling a twinge of jealousy that their parents were blessed with the responsibility of vacationing with a child. Does this make sense? Sure, I was mini golfing when I wanted, or sliding down the water slide, or hiking and biking but my arms were so empty and I couldn't wait to get home to the literal weight of my responsibility. I came home knowing that my parental responsibilties are only as difficult as I choose to make them and my heart was full with thanks to God that he blessed me with motherhood and forever changed everything I formally knew about myself. While the eight days away from Rivers were terribly difficult and I will never do it again, it was definitely worth it for the gained perspective. My absolute favorite thing about myself for all of time will be that I am a Momma to someone, a very special little someone.
