30 weeks 5 days - But Who's Counting?

This picture was taken at 30 weeks and I'm now almost 31. I think my belly has grown a few inches since then, truthfully. I'm part of the February Babies online group and they had this fun game where everyone was to measure their bellies. I measured 36". I remembering measuring a week or two before Rivers arrived and I was 40" so I still have some to gain. I am definitely starting to feel this pregnancy now. My legs feel thicker, it's harder to stand up and I've had a couple nights where I've had to sleep upright due to indigestion (does this mean he'll have hair??!?!) but overall I'm still feeling pretty great. I cannot believe he will be here so soon. We finally finished his nursery, of which I'll post pictures soon, and I love wandering in there and waiting for him. I remember doing the same thing with Rivers. The anticipation is so exciting.

I finally had another ultrasound today and the little man is measuring right on track, 4 days before my due date. He's about 3.5 pounds now and head down ready to party. This is the first ultrasound where he really looks different than Rivers to me. We decided not to spend the money on a 3d this go around so I'm really excited to see his little face and meet him. I think he has fuller lips than Rivers and a larger nose. He's a real cutie.

Pregnancy Stats:

How Far Along: 30.72 weeks

Size of baby: Four navel oranges (Couldn't they have found a singular item more appropriate?)

Total Weight Gain: 22 lbs

Gender: Boy

Movement: I don't know why but I don't feel a lot of his movement. He seems so quiet to me and usually does slow poking movements with only occasional kicks but at every doctor's appointment they comment on how much he's moving.

Sleep: Rivers has been sick and not sleeping well and we all know how that translates. Also, my hormones are kicking in and once I'm awake I'm WIDE-awake and it takes me a while to fall back asleep.

Cravings: Nothing in particular at the moment.

Best Moment this week: Seeing the little man on ultrasound and watching him cover his face with his little hands. It had been so long since I had seen him that I needed this little reminder that he's growing into a real life baby in my belly.

Bummer moment of the week: Finding out my Dr. no longer delivers at the hospital two minutes away from my house and I will instead be delivering at the hospital 30 minutes across town. Which makes me extra nervous since I will not be induced this time and Rivers spent three days in the NICU where I had to wake up in the middle of the night to drive down and feed her. I think this is my first reminder that you simply cannot plan delivery and must go with the flow.

7 years.

Seven years ago I laid in the backseat of my white Jetta while my cousin drove my car home and my aunt was in the front passenger seat. They had driven down to San Diego in the middle of the night to tell me and bring me home. I kept my head low so that the cars crawling alongside in LA morning commute traffic could not see me crying. I didn't want anyone to see my red and tear smeared face. My whole life had just changed  and I didn't want anyone to see the new me.

Just a few hours before I had been at the library late into the night studying for finals with friends. I hadn't slept much and when I heard the pounding on my apartment door at 2 am it startled and scared me in my sleepy stupor. We lived in an upstairs apartment but the entrance was downstairs. I remember carefully crawling into the kitchen sink so I could peek and see who so vehemently was trying to get into our place. It took me a few seconds to figure it out but then I understood it was my aunt, uncle and cousin. I walked down the stairs and opened the door and said "What are you doing here?" And then I fell backwards because I immediately knew. I had seen with my own eyes the week before that this was going to happen. I scrambled back up the stairs and ran into my room, flinging myself on the floor. Hoping and praying that this wasn't really happening. It is a crazy sensation to experience so much pain and know that your world has ended as you know it and someone you love is gone forever. You wish and hope that it isn't the truth and then your heart breaks even further when you admit to yourself it is.

Seven years later and I can remember virtually every second and minute of the first 24 hours after my dad took his life. It is really odd but I have photographic memories of where I was when he died, several hours before I would even be told. I was at the gym, on the end elliptical, staring at a television and I can almost smell the sweat and moisture all over again. This is particularly of interest because I can't even remember most of what I did yesterday. How can I so vividly recall what I was doing in the moment he passed, when I had no idea it was happening?

I don't think I have truly healed from my dad's passing. I think I have scarred. The wounds that were so violently ripped open were not closed up with new and renewed skin but instead with mounds of scar tissue so thick not much can penetrate it. In many ways, it caused me to lose a lot of my ability to feel. I felt empty and burdened and allowed myself to act however I thought I needed. I was irresponsible and selfish. I desperately turned to negative things that would temporarily fill my emptiness. I felt untouchable and careless. I did things of which I am not proud. And in the same months, I did things of which I am extremely proud. I managed to finish my last two quarters of college. I challenged myself to run my first half marathon, the whole time doing so thinking of my Dad and how I was running this for him when he couldn't. Even in my desperation, I knew that life would never be the same but that life would indeed go on and I needed to participate in it. I just might be participating a little less enthusiastically than before.

Seven years later and I still have a lot of the same scar tissue but with everyday that passes I can feel Dave and Rivers slowly removing it from me. From their love, I am beginning to feel vulnerable again. I can literally feel my skin softening everyday as I realize what a beautiful life I have and how full and rich it is. I can feel more than I have in years. I can worry and stress more than I thought I'd ever be able to. I can feel sadness on levels lighter than the devastation of loosing my dad. I can feel excitement and anticipation that I thought were permanently gone. I can miss him without feeling anger or confusion. I can wish he was here without feeling desperate that he absolutely MUST be here. I can love him still. I'm not exactly feeling free but in many ways I am feeling new again.

A Preschooler.

Today, Rivers started preschool. She will be going Tuesdays and Thursday full days while I'm working. As I had been used to taking her to daycare every Wednesday I thought I would be more emotionally prepared for this but as I drove to work after leaving her the tears welling in my eyes told me otherwise. It is the strangest mix of emotions. I feel guilt, excitement, relief, stress, pride and worry. As I was driving I recalled feeling this way when we started daycare. I remember barely being able to drive to work that day, my eyes were so wet with tears as I wept and worried if I had done the right thing. Today I realized this won't be the last time I feel this way and it will happen time and time again throughout my life. I'm sure I'll feel this when her little brother arrives in February. I will feel this way when she starts kindergarten, elementary, junior high and high school. I will feel this way driving away from her after dropping her off at college.  I will feel this way for the rest of my life - it is the mother's lot in life. It is change and for the first time in my life change is becoming bittersweet. Up until this point in my life change was something I was always ready for. Always ready for the next new exciting thing around the corner. But now? Now I'm protective of my time, my little girl and my heart. She has changed change for me. It is still wonderful but it is oh so bittersweet.