TTC

You may or may not know that with our last pregnancy there was no "trying" involved. Despite our best laid plans to wait two years into our marriage before thinking of children, Rivers showed up as two little pink lines on a white stick just a mere 6 weeks after we'd said I do. I like to think I've always been good at being thrown into situations and taking them as they come. I've long had the thought that "I'm here now. Nothing I can do about it. Let's get on with things". My 28 years have taught me nothing more valuable than the lesson that nothing is permanent and tomorrow will always look different despite my best projections. So when I learned of Rivers big existence in my newlywed life, I took it all in stride. We both did. God had chosen us to be parents, right then and there and we didn't see the point in questioning His plan. In many ways it was the easiest path to parenthood.

And now. Now we are thinking that it might be nice to add a fourth someone to our little family and I am terrified. I am so afraid that everything that was so easy the first time around will not be so. I'm worried about consulting the calendar and paying attention to scheduling. I mean I get the process, but do I really get it? Should I brush up on some "how to" reading? I'm already afraid of the heartbreak I might feel each month if I am not. Everyday that passes I am wondering if I am pregnant and the thought is consuming. I wonder if I'm terribly fertile and just like Rivers this baby will happen fast. Or was she a one time miracle that I won't experience again? I know I am overthinking this all but I've never had to think about THIS before!

My head second guesses my heart on whether or not I am really ready, but my heart deafens my mind by screaming IT'S TIME - LET'S GET ANOTHER BABY IN OUR ARMS! I may not know anything about what this process looks like, how long it might take, or how heartbreaking it may be, but I'm ready to try.