The Eve of 40 Weeks

If you were to look at the calendar on my Iphone you would find that tomorrow is marked off in capital letters and lots of exclamation points as Baby boy due date!!!!!!! If you were to look at my face, you would be confused by the contradictory appearance to such an exciting statement. In other words, I am fairly certain that my due date will come and pass and I will be left waiting for another day. And perhaps another. And maybe another. But come Tuesday I will be induced if he has not yet made his arrival so at least there is an end in sight.

I was so excited to not be induced with this baby. To be granted the opportunity to experience the natural process of going into labor and allowing this son of mine to choose his birthday. How naive I was. I had convinced myself that he would be here before his due date. How foolish I was. I really thought I was going to miss the Bill Cosby event at The Fox last weekend because I would be in labor. Truly silly of me.

I have been difficult the past few days, or perhaps even week. I have not felt well and I have felt sorry for myself. I have been short-tempered with Rivers and Dave. I have laid awake at night wondering if I would go into labor at any moment and in the process lost many, many hours of sleep. I have been disturbed up to seven times in one night by a toddler who has gotten into the habit of getting out of her bed and coming into our room crying. I have laid awake listening to my poor sick husband snore louder than anything I've ever heard because he truly cannot breathe properly with his congestion. I have been excited for two hours as I experienced contractions and as soon as the car was packed and gassed up, I have been disappointed when they suddenly stopped. I have felt guilt as I handed my daughter over to a generous mother and mother-in-law to spend time with while I slept. And in all of this I have lost sight of the miracle God has blessed me with. 

I have lost sight of how truly blessed I am to carry this child in my womb and to watch the miracle of life grow within my body. I have forgotten to focus on his movements and punches and jabs as they will probably be the last I ever experience from within. I have stopped taking time to admire the amazing creation of a woman's pregnant body. I have been blind to the kindness of my loved ones and how much they have done and continue to do for me. I have been distracted in the quiet moments that I should have spent enjoying my last few days with just Rivers as my child. 

Although I still wonder if he will come tonight, tomorrow or who knows when, I am discarding my worries and praying to God to help me immerse myself fully in these precious quiet moments that remain. However many moments that may be.