Praying.

I'm a little overly sentimental tonight as I'm riding a mild wave of anxiousness over a little surgery I have to have tomorrow. It's silly but I haven't had surgery since I had my tonsils removed at age 5. Perhaps a lot of my anxiousness surrounds the fact that the need for this is completely ridiculous. I am risking this overshare because I want to maybe save others from going through this. See, I got an IUD after Gus. I also had one after Rivers and it worked so great I was happy to get it again. This time it was different from the second I got it. It caused me a lot of pain and cramping. I went for my one month check up and informed my doctor of what I had been experiencing. She decided to do an ultrasound to make sure it was in the correct position. It was not. In fact the ultrasound did not show it at all so I had to have a cat scan to find it and find it they did...in my pelvis. So now I have to have surgery tomorrow to remove it. It's not that big of a deal but it is frustrating. I found myself tonight looking at pictures of my little family and praying to God that I will make it through without any complications. These sweet faces and my faith will get me through this.

Father's Day

I love this picture of me and my Dad. My brother and I had both come home for the weekend for our mom's birthday and we were naive to the fact that this would be the last time we were ever together as a complete family. We went hiking up in the canyon and although my Dad was already in the depths of his despair he really tried to put on a happy face for my mom. I had found a swinging rope and wanted to swing out over the water but my Dad urged me to wait while he made a harness out of the dogs' leashes in case the rope were to give way and cause me to fall into the current. His love was always like that. Encouraging me to swing out over big waters while knowing he was always there supporting me. His love is still like that. I bought Dave the book "Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You" and the illustration for the last page is eerily similar to this image. The accompanying words are too perfect.

"You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you, wherever you are."

Happy Father's Day, Dad. I know your love will find me wherever I am.

Pretty Little Liars

This guy has got it bad for Lucy Hale. Big smiles everytime she comes on screen.

Month Three

My delightful darling boy, oh my I love you so much. I can literally feel my heart swell when I look at you. You are so much fun and smile all the time. It is a whole new world of baby that was uncharted for me. I can leave you on your play mat for over an hour before you even make a squeak. I can push you in a stroller at the outlet mall all day and hear narry a peep out of you until you are hungry. I'm loving every minute and wishing time would slow because you are completely edible right now and I love how you are immobile and therefore subject to my every cuddle desire. I really adore you and I want you to know that I know just how blessed I am to have you as my son.

Here's some fun facts about your third month:

- You weigh 15 lbs and 3 ounces

- You are wearing 3-6 month clothes now and not swimming in them

- You slept through the night twice. The second of which your sister did the same and it was the first night where a child has not awoken me in 7 months. Seven!!!!

- You are so close to giggling but just can't get the eruption yet. It's just as cute to watch you try.

- You have rolled both ways but just like your sister it was a one time show. You guys don't like repeating your tricks.

- You are totally formula fed. When it came time to try nursing you again you had a cold and I was too scared to try afraid I would cause you more discomfort. You seem to be doing just fine on formula and I am slowly letting go of the guilt I feel by not nursing you.

- You are so loved and adored by your sister. She tells me all the time about things she is going to teach you to do someday, namely how to ride a bike and eat a muffin. She always wants to touch you or hold your hand and is the most concerned of all of us when you start crying.

- You still really love ceiling fans and chandeliers.

- You have started teething and aren't very happy about it.

- You don't really love the Moby anymore which makes me sad because I anticipated at least a year of baby wearing. I think it makes you too hot but I'll keep trying.

- Speaking if hot you run really warm and have the clammiest hands and feet.

- You prefer to be held and rocked to sleep.

- You still aren't crazy about your pacifier but take it when you can tell I need you to.

- You are a bright ray of easygoing afternoon sunshine in our lives and we love you!!

Month Two

Oh sweet August boy, you are already two months old. These past two months have been long and hard but they have passed so quickly. Unfortunately, I was operating in a heavy fog most of the time but


-You weigh 13 lbs 7 ounces and are 24.5 inches long.
-Your sleep has become pretty regular and you go down around 8:30, wake around 2 for a bottle and are down again until 6. Pretty incredible actually. Now if we could only get your sister to stay in bed and not wake up screaming then we would be in the money. As of now our house is a merry-go-round with her up around midnight, you at 2, Rivers at 4 and the whole family around 6. It's the unmerriest kind of merry-go-round actually.
-You are THE biggest smiler. I am so happy to have a child who so willingly and lovingly flashes the grins. This is not something we experienced with your sister and it is so fun. You can be fussing and within two seconds of someone talking to you in a high pitched voice your face is overcome with big ole grin. It's the cutest.
-You are cooing and talking a lot. We have some pretty lovely conversations actually. 
-Once we switched you to formula at 6 weeks, you instantly changed from the most difficult baby in the world to the easiest baby in the world. You only fuss when you are hungry, dirty or tired. Other than that you are perfectly content. We can literally go six hours without a single cry as long as I am attentive to your little fusses and address your needs quickly. It is delightful.
-You are holding your head up very well and you did very well in your bumbo for the first time the other day.
-Your sister got very sick this last week and you spent a lot of time away from home in an effort to stay well. I missed you dearly. I feel like we have a lot of catching up to do.
-We saw a specialist and what we once were told was lactose intolerance is instead a milk protein allergy. I have been dairy free since Thursday and will try to nurse you again this Friday, one week later. I'm not making much anymore but I feel like any little bit will be good for you. Let's hope this works.
-Your hair is growing like gangbusters and it is coming in brown. You will definitely be darker-haired than Rivers.
-It took us a while to notice but we discovered you have two webbed toes on each foot like your dad and Aunt Marley.
-You can still fit in some 0-3 month clothing, if they are separates but you are mostly wearing 3-6 month because you are so long.
-You sleep in your crib now! Bless your dad for taking care of this while I was in the hospital with Rivers. You had been sleeping in your rock and play in your bedroom and every night we would talk about moving you to the crib tomorrow because we were both so desperate for a good night's sleep. But alas, it is done and you sleep splendidly!
-You are off reflux meds. You still spit up quite a bit but you are unphased by it.
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Mlogging: Mom Blogging

Lets be honest, this blog is a real mom show. The fact of life is that there really hasn't been time for much else as of late. Buddy had his digestive issues (which we NOW believe is just a milk allergy, so I'm going dairy free for a week to see if he can in fact tolerate my milk) and poor little Riverdini has been sick since Saturday with a viral infection that caused 9 hours in the ER last night and today full blown hospital admission. Medicine. What a blessing and a curse. Trusting ER Dr.'s who claim there is pneumonia in the lungs and doing a iv antibiotic treatment which brought on violent naseua and sending us home with a five day antibiotic. Today distrusting said ER dr because pediatrician on call at hospital said there is no pneumonia. It is all so frustrating. As I'm standing in the parking lot of the ER last night at 2 am with my itty bitty toddler in a t shirt, diaper and tennis shoes watching her gag and wretch to throw up the saliva left in her belly, tooting at the same time, my heart broke into a million pieces. We had just left the hospital where they are supposed to help heal and yet she seemed sicker than she had been. Today I sat crying in the pediatricians office as she recommend we admit our daughter to the pediatric care unit in town. I didn't want a repeat of last night and yet now that I am here I am more calm than I have been in quite some time and I do feel as though I can trust the care here. I wish I knew more and could help her myself but I can't so I have to put my trust in others. We have been here almost 12 hours now and she is certainly improving. If all continues she could be heading home tomorrow afternoon. In the meantime Gus has been staying with the Grandmas and daddy has been taking care of him at night. The entire family is a little sick now and we are just praying that Gus stays healthy. Health for all actually. I'm ready to get my little family of four back.

The Bar Has Closed

Gus' pediatrician called today and the results of his stool test show he is lactose intolerant. Often babies have a milk allergy when they are little but it is very rare that they are actually lactose intolerant. This explains why even on an elimination diet Gus was not better because breastmilk naturally has lactose in it. I am so thankful for science and lactose free formula because my son is thriving when he probably would have not. It is very surreal to me and sad that I really must give up breastfeeding as there is no hope he will be able to tolerate it for at least up to nine months. I don't even know exactly how to stop. I might continue pumping occassionally for a bit to help me lose these pesky 7 lbs that remain but let's be honest at least two of them are in my boobs right now and I will definitely be able to run faster and more comfortably once they are dried up and gone. Ok let's be real honest, I might actually START running and exercising once they are gone. Ok lets be even more honest and admit that I cant wait to not be burdened with the time consuming task of pumping and cleaning the parts. I took it for granted that I would be able to do this for Gus as I had for Rivers but I have been humbled once again. I used to feel so much pride taking my babes to the dr and having them weighed knowing their body mass was a direct result of what I produced and was able to do for them but again I have been humbled. It does not matter what they weigh or how they came to be that size, it matters that they are healthy and happy children and those are both things I can play a part in. So even though the nursing door is closing, it is opening up doors to more free time and playing with my babes. Not such a bad trade in the end.