It's a rainy day for polka dots around here.

The Drive Home From Preschool

Rivers: Mommy my eyes are going away.
Me: Your eyes are going away?
Rivers: Mmhmm.
Me: Where are they going?
Rivers: To Oma's house.
Me: Why are they going there?
Rivers: To see Bleuie and Lala. (My mom's dogs)

Two seconds later.....

Rivers: Mommy I'm a princess!

A Heart that Burns for What it Yearns

My purse currently weighs about 5 pounds more than usual because of this. This is about all that's going on right now. The white bottle next to Tums is a generic form of Xantac. Good times around here. Good acidic times. Baby boy is going to have gobs of hair, right? Ahh, I am seriously so excited about his impending arrival. Just a little over 5 weeks!!!!!

My Guard Dog.

Please disregard my last post where I was offering my stink mutt dog up to anyone who might want him. The offer is off the table. Although he had been barking and whining through the night for four nights in a row, I had a sneaking suspicion it was because he was feeling protective of me and the baby. Everytime we would let him out of the closet and out of his crate in the night he would come barreling towards me, frantically wagging his tail and checking on me. I was too tired and moody to find this charming, so outside he went.

Last night, I was in the bathtub with Rivers and Ralphie came running in and sat dangerously close to the tub for a dog who does not like water. I yelled for Dave to come check our bedroom to see if Ralphie had made a mess because he was acting so strange and Dave comes walking in bent over and telling me to stay below the window level because he just got shot at. Say what?!??!? It turns out some negligent mother allowed her two sons and a gaggle of their friends to play in the backyard with a BB gun at 7:30 at night without supervision. Perhaps they told her they would be shooting at targets, and maybe they had honest targets in the beginning but there is plenty of evidence that the targets soon became the windows of the house in the other neighborhood across the street. Aka, our house. Three windows, thank goodness they are double paned, are shot and ruined. One window has three holes within a 5 inch diameter of one another, which to me and my sleuth skills says they were aiming at it on purpose. Not easy to do with a BB gun and it made me fearful to think what they might do with something stronger. Our neighbors house fell prey too but they only had two holes in one upstairs window. I am still livid about the whole situation and I cannot wait to slap this silly woman with the bill for all the windows that will need to be replaced. I only wish I could be the one to lecture her children.

Once I had calmed down for the night, I turned to Ralphers and felt softer towards him. I'm not sure if he ran into the bathroom because he was scared and wanted me or he wanted to protect me but we put his crate next to my side of the bed last night and I didn't hear a peep out of him. Just like the first night we adopted him. Everywhere we put his crate he barked and barked but I put the crate right beside me and we slept soundly together. That old stink dog. What a kindred spirit he is.

33 weeks.

Sorry baby, if it rains on my walk I cannot help you.

Never looked prouder than when she had a face smeared with Minnie Mouse chapstick.

The outfits are getting real desperate around here.

Pregnancy Stats:

How Far Along: 33 weeks 2 days

Size of baby: Pineapple

Total Weight Gain: 25 lbs

Gender: Boy

Movement: He's been a little more active than usual as of late. His movements are more rolling than kicking now.

Sleep: Does anyone want a dog? Ralpherson has been barking every night in the middle of the night for four days now. My baby hormones are already kicking in and once I'm awake, I am WIDE awake. In summation, sleep has not been good around here. We toss Ralphie outside once he starts but last night I awoke to the sound of coyotes and had a panic attack that Ralphie would be eaten. I was scared for him but not scared enough to get out of bed and let him back in the house. He survived.

Cravings: Nothing. Afraid to eat anything for fear of heartburn.

Best Moment this week: We may have decided on a name. We will not be sharing until his birth but let's suffice to say there is a 99% chance he has a name. And the relief that brings to me is immense! I already feel more bonded with him!

30 weeks 5 days - But Who's Counting?

This picture was taken at 30 weeks and I'm now almost 31. I think my belly has grown a few inches since then, truthfully. I'm part of the February Babies online group and they had this fun game where everyone was to measure their bellies. I measured 36". I remembering measuring a week or two before Rivers arrived and I was 40" so I still have some to gain. I am definitely starting to feel this pregnancy now. My legs feel thicker, it's harder to stand up and I've had a couple nights where I've had to sleep upright due to indigestion (does this mean he'll have hair??!?!) but overall I'm still feeling pretty great. I cannot believe he will be here so soon. We finally finished his nursery, of which I'll post pictures soon, and I love wandering in there and waiting for him. I remember doing the same thing with Rivers. The anticipation is so exciting.

I finally had another ultrasound today and the little man is measuring right on track, 4 days before my due date. He's about 3.5 pounds now and head down ready to party. This is the first ultrasound where he really looks different than Rivers to me. We decided not to spend the money on a 3d this go around so I'm really excited to see his little face and meet him. I think he has fuller lips than Rivers and a larger nose. He's a real cutie.

Pregnancy Stats:

How Far Along: 30.72 weeks

Size of baby: Four navel oranges (Couldn't they have found a singular item more appropriate?)

Total Weight Gain: 22 lbs

Gender: Boy

Movement: I don't know why but I don't feel a lot of his movement. He seems so quiet to me and usually does slow poking movements with only occasional kicks but at every doctor's appointment they comment on how much he's moving.

Sleep: Rivers has been sick and not sleeping well and we all know how that translates. Also, my hormones are kicking in and once I'm awake I'm WIDE-awake and it takes me a while to fall back asleep.

Cravings: Nothing in particular at the moment.

Best Moment this week: Seeing the little man on ultrasound and watching him cover his face with his little hands. It had been so long since I had seen him that I needed this little reminder that he's growing into a real life baby in my belly.

Bummer moment of the week: Finding out my Dr. no longer delivers at the hospital two minutes away from my house and I will instead be delivering at the hospital 30 minutes across town. Which makes me extra nervous since I will not be induced this time and Rivers spent three days in the NICU where I had to wake up in the middle of the night to drive down and feed her. I think this is my first reminder that you simply cannot plan delivery and must go with the flow.

7 years.

Seven years ago I laid in the backseat of my white Jetta while my cousin drove my car home and my aunt was in the front passenger seat. They had driven down to San Diego in the middle of the night to tell me and bring me home. I kept my head low so that the cars crawling alongside in LA morning commute traffic could not see me crying. I didn't want anyone to see my red and tear smeared face. My whole life had just changed  and I didn't want anyone to see the new me.

Just a few hours before I had been at the library late into the night studying for finals with friends. I hadn't slept much and when I heard the pounding on my apartment door at 2 am it startled and scared me in my sleepy stupor. We lived in an upstairs apartment but the entrance was downstairs. I remember carefully crawling into the kitchen sink so I could peek and see who so vehemently was trying to get into our place. It took me a few seconds to figure it out but then I understood it was my aunt, uncle and cousin. I walked down the stairs and opened the door and said "What are you doing here?" And then I fell backwards because I immediately knew. I had seen with my own eyes the week before that this was going to happen. I scrambled back up the stairs and ran into my room, flinging myself on the floor. Hoping and praying that this wasn't really happening. It is a crazy sensation to experience so much pain and know that your world has ended as you know it and someone you love is gone forever. You wish and hope that it isn't the truth and then your heart breaks even further when you admit to yourself it is.

Seven years later and I can remember virtually every second and minute of the first 24 hours after my dad took his life. It is really odd but I have photographic memories of where I was when he died, several hours before I would even be told. I was at the gym, on the end elliptical, staring at a television and I can almost smell the sweat and moisture all over again. This is particularly of interest because I can't even remember most of what I did yesterday. How can I so vividly recall what I was doing in the moment he passed, when I had no idea it was happening?

I don't think I have truly healed from my dad's passing. I think I have scarred. The wounds that were so violently ripped open were not closed up with new and renewed skin but instead with mounds of scar tissue so thick not much can penetrate it. In many ways, it caused me to lose a lot of my ability to feel. I felt empty and burdened and allowed myself to act however I thought I needed. I was irresponsible and selfish. I desperately turned to negative things that would temporarily fill my emptiness. I felt untouchable and careless. I did things of which I am not proud. And in the same months, I did things of which I am extremely proud. I managed to finish my last two quarters of college. I challenged myself to run my first half marathon, the whole time doing so thinking of my Dad and how I was running this for him when he couldn't. Even in my desperation, I knew that life would never be the same but that life would indeed go on and I needed to participate in it. I just might be participating a little less enthusiastically than before.

Seven years later and I still have a lot of the same scar tissue but with everyday that passes I can feel Dave and Rivers slowly removing it from me. From their love, I am beginning to feel vulnerable again. I can literally feel my skin softening everyday as I realize what a beautiful life I have and how full and rich it is. I can feel more than I have in years. I can worry and stress more than I thought I'd ever be able to. I can feel sadness on levels lighter than the devastation of loosing my dad. I can feel excitement and anticipation that I thought were permanently gone. I can miss him without feeling anger or confusion. I can wish he was here without feeling desperate that he absolutely MUST be here. I can love him still. I'm not exactly feeling free but in many ways I am feeling new again.