Month One

It wasn't pretty but we did it baby boy. We survived your first month. The first week of your life we spent in a blissed out state together and you were such a calm baby and rarely cried. Our pediatrician told us you were an easy baby and we smiled in agreement. Then things changed. You spent almost all your awake time crying. You only slept hard when someone was holding you and if they laid you down you awoke within ten minutes. You spit up a lot. A lot. And your body writhed in pain when you did. I just knew something was wrong with you but couldn't find the culprit and drove myself into depression looking for answers and coming up empty handed. I blamed myself, my overabundant supply of milk, my disappearing supply of milk, my stress. It took me to a dark place. At your one month appointment today you were diagnosed with acid reflux. It breaks my heart to know that your pain and screaming was not from being colic or a fussy baby but from the excruciating pain your esophagus was experiencing. You were prescribed medicine and I'm hopeful it will work. We came home from the appointment and I already felt lighter. I had an answer that fit everything I was worried about. The barrier that was blocking me from fully connecting with you was suddenly removed and I fell more in love with you instantly. We have more hurdles to go as you are also going to be tested for lactose intolerance due to some other symptoms but I am no longer clouded. I'm sorry I spent your first month not understanding you or your pain but I'm looking forward to making up that time now. I love you my sweet son. You truly have made my life complete.

One month stats:

-10 pounds 9 ounces- 74%
-23 inches long - 93%
-You are strong! You pretty much came out of the womb holding your head up. Every Dr. and nurse comments on your strength.
-You love the double ceiling fan at Oma's house.
-You sleep best when it is dark so during the day we have to put part of the blanket over your face.
-You are quite the little sneezer.
-You love to eat and nursing you was perfect from the beginning.
-Your sister adores you and is always asking to hold you.
-You sleep best on your side and now we know why with your reflux.
-I've seen a few smiles but you really flash the grins for Oma.
-You suck on your hands and fingers when you are getting hungry.
-Your longest stretch of sleep was 3.5 hours. Most of the time in the night you are down 8:30-12, then back up at 2:30, 4:30 and Rivers usually wakes us both up at 6. I'm looking forward to more sleep.
-You are already reaching the bottom of length for 0-3 months but aren't filling them out much.

A Birth Story

This isn't "the" birth story. That is to come when I can find the time to figure out how to load my pictures off my new camera. Rather, this is a story of my conscious realization that I am now a mother to two. Two little human beings who need more of me than I feel I am capable of giving at times. I expected a period of adjustment. I flat out told people I expected the first year to be ridiculously challenging but I could have never predicted how exactly that would feel. I am a constant rollercoaster of emotions. Vacillating between euphoria and depression. I am overjoyed with all the blessings in my life and continually thank God for my two healthy and beautiful children and loving husband. And then five minutes later I am again overwhelmed by a fussy baby who I am struggling to figure out and a toddler who has forgotten how to speak and now uses varying degrees of whining to communicate what she wants. In one moment I am throwing pillows violently onto my bed to release frustration and two minutes later I am smiling with eyes filled with mist as Rivers asks to hold Gus again and I see his little body visibly relax in her arms. I am hormonal, I am sleep deprived and perhaps I am being a little hard on myself but I can continually hear God calling to me to tell me to step it up. And I know that is what I need to do. I have everything and more that I ever prayed for and I am blinded from it by my own selfishness and sin. These days are long but I know from Rivers these years are short. Today I'm choosing to be born a better mother. Wish me luck and pray for me?

May I Introduce you to someone?

August Gregory Bynum
Born February 25, 2013 at 2:51 pm
8 pounds 11 ounces

More of a story to come.

The Eve of 40 Weeks

If you were to look at the calendar on my Iphone you would find that tomorrow is marked off in capital letters and lots of exclamation points as Baby boy due date!!!!!!! If you were to look at my face, you would be confused by the contradictory appearance to such an exciting statement. In other words, I am fairly certain that my due date will come and pass and I will be left waiting for another day. And perhaps another. And maybe another. But come Tuesday I will be induced if he has not yet made his arrival so at least there is an end in sight.

I was so excited to not be induced with this baby. To be granted the opportunity to experience the natural process of going into labor and allowing this son of mine to choose his birthday. How naive I was. I had convinced myself that he would be here before his due date. How foolish I was. I really thought I was going to miss the Bill Cosby event at The Fox last weekend because I would be in labor. Truly silly of me.

I have been difficult the past few days, or perhaps even week. I have not felt well and I have felt sorry for myself. I have been short-tempered with Rivers and Dave. I have laid awake at night wondering if I would go into labor at any moment and in the process lost many, many hours of sleep. I have been disturbed up to seven times in one night by a toddler who has gotten into the habit of getting out of her bed and coming into our room crying. I have laid awake listening to my poor sick husband snore louder than anything I've ever heard because he truly cannot breathe properly with his congestion. I have been excited for two hours as I experienced contractions and as soon as the car was packed and gassed up, I have been disappointed when they suddenly stopped. I have felt guilt as I handed my daughter over to a generous mother and mother-in-law to spend time with while I slept. And in all of this I have lost sight of the miracle God has blessed me with. 

I have lost sight of how truly blessed I am to carry this child in my womb and to watch the miracle of life grow within my body. I have forgotten to focus on his movements and punches and jabs as they will probably be the last I ever experience from within. I have stopped taking time to admire the amazing creation of a woman's pregnant body. I have been blind to the kindness of my loved ones and how much they have done and continue to do for me. I have been distracted in the quiet moments that I should have spent enjoying my last few days with just Rivers as my child. 

Although I still wonder if he will come tonight, tomorrow or who knows when, I am discarding my worries and praying to God to help me immerse myself fully in these precious quiet moments that remain. However many moments that may be. 

I think it is safe to say I won't be sharing a birthday with baby boy. Now that his due date is imminent I find myself holding on to and treasuring every last moment of this pregnancy. Every night I sit on the couch and lift my shirt up above my belly to fully appreciate his movements. I have said since marrying Dave that I want three children but as I near the end of this pregnancy I am feeling increasingly happy and content with the girl and the boy with whom we have been blessed. Perhaps this is spurred by the end of pregnancy exhaustion but overall this has been a way more comfortable pregnancy so I believe it has more to do with feeling overwhelmingly content and happy with where we are. I truly love pregnancy and in case this is my last I am trying to make conscious memories. And yet in the same moments I am unbelievably excited about his arrival. Every cramp, ache and pain makes my heart leap and wonder if it is his time to join our lives. I cannot wait to see him, name him and know him. I cannot wait to allow my heart to explode exponentially again as I bond with another human being that God created and gifted to Dave and me. So the place where I am now is divided and I am happy with that. Whether another day or another two weeks, I am so excited for him to pick his time. The ball is in his court.

3 years.

     
     Three years ago, my heart sailed and carried me down the aisle on the arm of my momma to marry this sweet man. On that day I lost the only last name I'd ever known but I gained a partner who has supported me, loved me and put up with and at times challenged my sass. If you think I'm exaggerating about the sass part let me just put it into perspective. I have been pregnant half of our marriage. That is a lot of sass. Our life hasn't worked out exactly as we planned but God has written us a better story than we could have imagined. I am so thankful for being blessed as this man's wife....even if he is the most ornery son of a gun I've ever met.

3 years. 2.5 houses. 1.936 children. 1 naughty dog. And a lot, A LOT to look forward to.

Modern Lumberjack Nursery

  He may not have a name but at least this baby has a nursery. Dave likes to call it Modern Lumberjack. I have to admit there were moments when I was worried it was becoming a little too hodge-podge but I think in the end it came together just as I was hoping. It is bright and quirky and makes me happy. I made all of the bedding and changing pads this go around along with the curtains and now that I am 37 weeks pregnant I look at them and feel so relieved I sewed them months ago.  I feel that way about the whole room actually. So glad that it is done because I don't feel like doing much. Nesting came early and is long gone. I haven't even finished packing my hospital bag and yet I have this feeling that he will be coming before his due date. Hopefully I can get around to that this weekend.

 

 

Fox lamp (Target: Patch NYC), Changing Pad cover (made by me), Dresser (Ikea Mandal but restained by Dave)

Rug (Urban Outfitters), Curtains (Made by me, Fabric from Ikea), Pouf (Target: Patch NYC), Child rocker (family heirloom)

All critters from Target.

Thrift store needlepoint.

Clockwise: Bear (River Luna), Owl (RiverLuna), Fox Crewel (Vintage from TheOddBin), Native American Painting (Thrifted), Fox (RiverLuna), Three Raccoons (Thrifted), Yosemite Moon picture (from Moggy and Grandpa),  My Roots Lie Here, CA (here), Feather print (RiverLuna).

These still need to be framed and hung: WildLifePrints

Triangle and Stag Pillow (Target: Patch NYC), Native American Pillow (Family heirloom)

Mobile made by me.

Needlepoint seat cushion (Family heirloom). Can you believe all of the blue is needlepoint as well? What dedication. And I have five more of these in different animals. That is A LOT of blue needlepoint!